My Dinner with JD
How I would negotiate a war's end
Note: This first part of this piece is deadly serious and the second part is deadly silly. I wrote the first part because an internet friend send me a “checking in on you” message this morning. As I say a lot lately, I’m fine, it’s the world that’s terrible. Still, writing is a big part of how I process things, so maybe I needed to do this. But joking is also a part of how I process things. Too much of a part really. Inappropriately, really too much a part. But that’s what I do.
If you would prefer to read less about ethno-religious hatred and more about the diplomatic implications of JD Vance’s purported upholstery fetish, skip to the divider. If you think this is far too serious to joke about stay above the divider. The war I mean. Not the couch thing.
Heading out of Geneva’s Cointrin Airport on my way to Mallorca last Thursday, the tarmac was thick with the evidence of American power. Several Chinook helicopters stood in neat rows and just a shade further along rested a number of C-130s (note: I think, I’m not a military analyst) to haul equipment around the continent, or maybe the world. Even in a moment of national humiliation, it was an impressive display. The G-7 had ended, and with it, my inability to cross the border to buy groceries, get a haircut, or—and I cannot emphasize this enough—keep an appointment to remove my snow tires. The planes, however, remained, presumably in preparation for Vice President JD Vance’s arrival in Geneva to sign the peace deal that would end Trump’s war with Iran.
I sort of assumed it would just be a case of signing some papers and then the Ayatollah would move into the White House, but no. Capitulation is more complicated than it sounds. It turns out that, as Hall-of-Fame wide receiver/foreign affairs analyst Chris Carter pointed out, if you’re going to have a crew, you need to have a fall guy. And as best I can tell, the fall guy in this particular case is going to be “the Jews.”
This is not a surprise. First of all, Israel shares responsibility with the US for this ill-advised war—and that’s not even getting into the genocide in Gaza, the land seizures in the West Bank, and so on—so it is not only fair but just that they get much of the blame for how poorly it’s gone. The problem, however, is that both the Israeli government and the current US government have gone to great lengths to advance the idea that Israel and the Jewish people are one and the same. Netanyahu and friends get to delegitimize all Jewish opposition and the hard right gets to say that disloyal Jews are running the American government. It really is win-win for all the worst people.
There are plenty of people of Jewish descent for whom there are deep spiritual and political connections with Israel. I am not one of them. I have never been to Israel, and I have no particularly strong feelings about the country—save for annoyance when they purport to speak for me and a general sense that Jews should have a place where they are safe. (Note: Though dumbass that I am, I think everyone should have a place where they are safe. Palestinians too.)
I do not think Israel has any special role to play in the world either as a light unto nations or as some demonic cabal. And I do not think Israel should aspire to be something other than a nation-state. Israel is a country like any other, and should be judged by the same standards, no better, no worse. And right now, they are a country behaving deplorably. I don’t want my money going to this war or to Israel, a pretty rich country, in general. I want my money going to poor countries to buy medicine, not rich countries to buy bombs (note: or to rich countries to buy medicine for that matter). I especially don’t want it going to rich countries with governments led by supremacists.
Second, when the virus of racial and ethnic hatred escaped containment again (note: perhaps we shouldn’t have stopped vaccinating?), it was absolutely inevitable that the wheel of hate would eventually land on Jews, because that is what always happens, everywhere, forever. The numerous members of America’s Jewish community who got in bed with the bigots in the MAGA movement should have known better. This progression was obvious.
Still, this is what happens. There is always someone who thinks they can ride the dragon. Even in Hitler’s Germany, I learned shortly after November 2024, there was a pro-Nazi Jewish organization, The Association of German National Jews. Their motto was effectively, “We agree that the problem is Jews, but those Jews… not us.” It ended for the Association as one would expect.
Left-wing antisemitism is real, it is pernicious, and it is, above all, self-righteous. But I am not particularly afraid of it, at least not in the United States. The American left, even in its worst moments, is too bad at maintaining organizational or ideological cohesion to pose a long-term threat to the American right, much less American Jews. The American right, however, well, those guys know how to follow orders. And when the orders are to go after a particular group, even a group they regarded as allies the year before, they will.
None of this is to say that the reason I care is that I can see MAGA turning against Jews. I do see that; I don’t like it and it frightens me. But the reason I don’t like it is because it’s hatred, not because of who it’s targeting. When hatred turns its evil eye on Jews, it personalizes it more for me, but it doesn’t make it any more morally loathsome than any other hate. And from day one MAGA has been about hate.
And hate is infectious. Not giving in to hate when you yourself are hated is one of the hardest things in the world. In the last two years, I have seen a few people I love succumb to hate. I have observed both far too many people acting as though the horrors of October 7 justify the almost jovial slaughter that has followed. I have also observed people claiming this psychotic violence is a natural result of the Jewish religion. I do not know how to escape this quagmire, but I know hate is only leading us deeper in. I think I’ve written about it here before, but I once asked a friend who is a reverend what I should pray for people’s whose hearts are filled with hate. I want to hate them, maybe I do, but hate offers no future but tears. My wise friend said, “Pray for their hearts to change.”
I’m trying Rev. I’m really trying.
But in my deep frustration and immense sadness, I take leave of my point.
I alone can fix it. (Note: Sounds idiotic, doesn’t it?)
Vance and his Iranian interlocutor, parliament speaker Mohammad Baqer Qalibaf, are not going to resolve this hanging out at the Qatari-owned Bürgenstock resort near Lucerne. It is too nice, too fancy, too distracting. Trust me; this happens with peace conferences in Africa sometimes. The various rebel groups enjoy being at the resort hotel drawing per diem too much and forget to make peace. That’s why Dayton, Ohio was such a perfect place to end the Bosnian war.
Instead, I propose that they negotiate in Geneva as originally planned. Specifically, I propose that they negotiate at my house—over dinner. Here is the pathway to peace.
17:00 I cover my luxurious purple velvet couch with a tasteful Basotho blanket in preparation for Vance’s arrival. You know why. I use the blanket affiliated with one of Lesotho’s dangerous gangs of murderous accordion musicians to provide a conversation piece if negotiations deadlock.
17:05 Delegations arrive.
17:10 Protocol dispute about who gets to park inside the gate and who has to park outside. My son mediates with rock-paper-scissors. Vance loses throwing rock. That guy always throws rock.
17:15 Vance and Qalibaf enter and my daughter explains the poster establishing the house rules that will govern negotiations. Key points: 1. Bring your plate to the sink when finished with dinner. 2. Do not show your privates.
17:20 Crisis! Qalibaf steps on Lego! Blames Jews. I explain that my wife is Episcopalian so my son, who owns the Lego, is not technically Jewish. Crisis averted.
17:25 Why is Vance looking under the blanket on the couch?
17:30 As a sign of respect for Iranian culture, I show the delegations the Iranian plate my wife bought at a bazaar in Oman.
17:31 Qalibaf says Iranian plate is probably made in China, represents a combined 11,000 years of civilization.
17:35 As a sign of respect for Vance’s culture, I show him C’s collection of toy monster trucks.
17:36 Vance says small replica of Gravedigger is also made in China, represents failure of liberal international order or something.
17:45 House tour ends, and I suggest moving outside for dinner.
17:50 I apologize for bird poop on chairs at outdoor table.
18:00 First course: vegetable soup. Vance notes that it is insane to serve hot soup when it is 95 degrees out. I agree, but say I am using the “mad man” theory of diplomacy.
18:10 I explain how the vegetable soup course is symbolic by telling the story of L’escalade and how the Genevois repelled invading Savoyards by pouring hot vegetable soup on them. The subtext is that the two peoples are close friends today. The other subtext is that Savoy is no longer a state.
18:15 Vance demands permanent ban on Iran enriching soup.
18:20 Qalibaf insists that Iran has the right to peaceful use of soup. Also notes 6,000 year history of soup in Persia.
18:25 I propose Iran refrains from enriching soup for three months.
18:30 After Trump tweets “Israelis have matzo ball soup, why shouldn’t Iranians have soup?” Vance gives Iran $300 billion in return for three-month soup suspension with agreement to revisit soup in further negotiations.
19:00 Main course: Grilled chicken.
19:05 I explain I was going to grill shrimp, but couldn’t tell if they were halal
19:10 Qalibaf goes on a tear about differing interpretations of halal in Islam, including why shrimp are okay for Shia but oysters are not. Lots of talk about scaleless fish.
19:30 Vance praises Christianity as “A religion where you can eat anything, even the body of our Lord.”
19:35 Talks break off.
20:00 I inform parties that “no one will get a treat if they don’t eat their dinner.”
20:05 Talks resume over cold chicken. I refuse to reheat it as a sign that “I mean business.”
20:10 Parties find common ground over how many bites they have to eat to earn a treat. I say 10, they say three. Agreement is reached at five. In diplomatic lingo this is called a “confidence building measure.”
20:30 I inform parties that if there is no agreement, it will be bedtime after treat.
20:45 Unwilling to agree on end to war in Lebanon, parties refuse agreement and prepare to resume negotiations in the morning.
21:00 My seven-year-old daughter announces that she will not give up her bedroom to guests unless they give her $300 billion, so they will have to sleep in bunk beds in her brother’s room.
21:05 Trump tweets that “If Kobayashi’s daughter doesn’t give up her room to JD, pretty soon she won’t even have a room anymore.”
21:07 Negotiations resume.
22:00 Vance agrees to end war in Lebanon if Trump can get $50 billion kickback from reconstruction money.
22:30 Deal signed with pink kitty cat pens because that’s what I have. Still counts.
22:45 Parties leave without offering to help with dishes. I would have said no, but it would have been nice if they’d offered.
23:00 I await my FIFA Peace Prize.
23:05 Israel violates terms of agreement.
Loved both Part A and Part B of your letter today. They were a nice balance—a thoughtful, serious discussion I agree with, and then a bit of silliness as a family dinner with guests. Thanks for making my day
I think that was great! The first half wasn’t so dark, just straightforward. The second had me chortling.